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Daily joke thread
#1
Big Grin 
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."
Governmental dependance makes for poor self reliance.

"What could possibly go wrong with a duct tape boat?"  Cody Lundin

The best defense against evil men are good men with violent skill sets.
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#2
Teamwork
[Image: i.jpg]
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#3
A good ole Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it, and I'm a gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Arkansas a bad name, makin’ everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your behind!"
Governmental dependance makes for poor self reliance.

"What could possibly go wrong with a duct tape boat?"  Cody Lundin

The best defense against evil men are good men with violent skill sets.
Reply
#4
There I was sitting by myself at the bar staring at my untouched drink.  Suddenly, a 6'8" tattooed biker steps up next to me
and grabs my drink.  He then grinned at me and gulped down my drink in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?"  he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I just need to kick someone's *****,  not watch a grown man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.  I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink; I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.  Then you, you overgrown horse's *****, show up and drinks the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Governmental dependance makes for poor self reliance.

"What could possibly go wrong with a duct tape boat?"  Cody Lundin

The best defense against evil men are good men with violent skill sets.
Reply
#5
In-class Assignment for Wednesday


Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.



* * * * * *

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth — when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total $*&.

Stupid %&#$!.
Governmental dependance makes for poor self reliance.

"What could possibly go wrong with a duct tape boat?"  Cody Lundin

The best defense against evil men are good men with violent skill sets.
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#6
It's about that time out my way!


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#7
Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)

I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I
hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you
took my jacket.

Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening and it
wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that
Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas and we had just picked up a
shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very
intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever
you'd come from with that brown stinking sludge flopping about in your
pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your
shoes, cell phone and wallet with me.

I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try
to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma"
as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your
situation.

I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of
the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash
in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your
bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down
the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I
don't know what's going on with that.

I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to
make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you
did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to
you.

I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out.
I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What
brand did you use and was it liquid or powder?

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you
walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice
of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this
message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!
Governmental dependance makes for poor self reliance.

"What could possibly go wrong with a duct tape boat?"  Cody Lundin

The best defense against evil men are good men with violent skill sets.
Reply
#8
Top 100 reason why Captain Kirk is better than Captain Picard!

1. When Data died, Picard had a funeral. When Spock died, Kirk reconstituted the body, forced it’s soul back in, and even got him laid along the way.

2. When Picard senses that Wesley is having emotional problems he sits down and talks with him about it. When Kirk sensed that Charlie X was having emotional problems he took him to the gym and threw him around on the mats until he got over it.

3. When Picard went back in time he brought back Data’s head. When Kirk went back in time he brought back a blonde.

4. Picard’s Enterprise was destroyed by a couple of Klingon chicks while he was stranded on a desert planet. Kirk’s Enterprise was destroyed when he blew up a crew of Klingons, stole their ship, and resurrected Spock from the dead.

5. Kirk has caused computers to self-destruct by out-thinking them on three separate occasions.

6. When Picard was in the Academy he got stabbed in the heart. When Kirk was in the Academy he beat the unbeatable Kobyoshi Maru scenario and bagged Carol Marcus in his spare time.

7. When Sisko met Picard he told him he hated him. When Sisko met Kirk he got his autograph.

8. Kirk does not play the flute.

9. Picard is from France.

10. When Picard has a problem he talks to Guinan about it. When Kirk has a problem he shoots it.

11. When Kirk screams it echoes across the entire planet.

12. When Kirk blew up the Enterprise, Starfleet built him another one and had it ready by the time he got home.

13. Kirk collects antique guns. Picard collects antique matrioshka nesting dolls.

14. Kirk chastises omni-powerful super beings for not being polite to women.

15. Kirk sword fights someone on a regular basis.

16. Kirk’s Enterprise did not have a day care.

17. Kirk once ordered Scotty to fire a photon torpedo on his position and then he dodged out of the way so it hit the alien he was fighting.

18. Kirk has a violently deadly disease in his blood but he doesn’t let it slow him down any.

19. When it’s time for shore leave Kirk goes rock climbing and drinks whiskey. Picard wears nut smashing banana hammock speedos and reads by the pool.

20. Picard’s name is known and respected throughout Klingon space. Kirk’s name is cursed and vilified.

21. The only Klingon serving on Kirk’s bridge would be a dead one.

22. Kirk jumps horses in his spare time. Picard owns a fish.

23. Kirk would never allow an “acting ensign” to lock out his command codes.

24. Picard quotes Shakespeare for fun. Kirk quotes Shakespeare to intimidate his enemies.

25. Kirk’s jump kick projects 650 pounds of blunt force.

26. Kirk once made a cannon that shot diamonds.

27. Kirk defies superior alien beings on an almost daily basis.

28. When the evil aliens use a stun ray on the crew, Kirk always stays conscious for a minimum of 15 seconds longer than everyone else.

29. Kirk is on a first name basis with every single admiral in Starfleet.

30. Kirk once said: “You’re the Captain’s woman, till he says you're not.”

31. When Sarek mind melded with Picard, Picard cried a lot. When Sarek mind melded with Kirk, Kirk decided to hijack the Enterprise and bring Spock back from the dead.

32. Kirk can shoulder roll at 127 miles per hour.

33. Picard’s engineer wears goofy wrap-around sunglasses. Kirk’s engineer wears a kilt and can drink you under the table.

34. If Picard’s engineer has a headache it’s because he wore his Visor for too long. If Kirk’s engineer has a headache it’s because he has a hangover.

35. Kirk looks good in sideburns. Really good.

36. Picard drinks tea. Kirk drinks Saurian Brandy straight from the bottle.

37. Kirk mocks Federation bureaucrats that he doesn’t like and then proves that their aids are Klingon spies, just to make the point.

38. Kirk once became an Indian god with the power to resurrect the dead.

39. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at chess.

40. Kirk’s love affairs extend not only across space but across time as well.

41. Kirk’s dress uniform does not actually look like a dress.

42. Kirk looks good in a ripped shirt, and he knows it.

43. Kirk repopulated the Earth’s once extinct humpbacked whale species.

44. When Picard wants the ship to go faster he calls down to engineering and asks to go faster. When Kirk wants the ship to go faster he sling-shots it around the sun.

45. When Klingons invaded Picard’s Enterprise he carefully neutralized them. When Klingons invaded Kirk’s Enterprise he had a massive sword fight with them.

46. Kirk has fought evil duplicates of himself on numerous occasions, always with screaming involved.

47. Kirk’s greatest nemesis was the genetically superior ruler of over a quarter of the Earth. Picard’s greatest nemesis likes to dress like him and occasionally cause inconvenience.

48. Kirk has punched out at least one member of over three thousand known alien races.

49. Kirk would never allow his first officer to get more tail than he does.

50. No matter what world Picard goes to, Kirk was there first and probably has an illegitimate child somewhere on the planet.

51. Everyone knows the phrase “Beam me up, Scotty!” The phrase, “Energize whenever you are ready, Mr. La Forge,” doesn’t exactly have the same notoriety.

52. Picard’s first officer is named after a bathroom code.

53. Kirk once yelled, “No blah-blah-blah! No blah-blah-blah!” and made it sound important.

54. Kirk’s hand phaser is sleek and sexy. Picard’s hand phaser looks like a Hoover dirt devil.

55. When Kirk wants to talk to the Enterprise he flips open his communicator dramatically. When Picard wants to talk to the Enterprise he has to tweak his own nipple.

56. Kirk’s youth was spent doing back breaking work on a farm in Iowa. Picard’s youth was spent squishing grapes with his toes in France.

57. Kirk fought the Greek god Apollo. And won.

58. The women on Picard’s ship wear long pants. On Kirk’s ship, miniskirts are mandatory.

59. Kirk’s middle name is Tiberius.

60. It runs in the family: Picard’s brother died trapped in a fire. Kirk’s brother died fighting swarms of alien invaders.

61. When Data hijacked the Enterprise, Picard was helpless to stop him. When Spock hijacked the Enterprise Kirk fought him to the death.

62. Kirk’s medical officer prescribes hard liquor as a cure all.

63. Kirk has heavy calluses on his right index finger from pressing the trigger on his phaser so many times.

64. When Kirk gets punched in the face he just wipes the blood off his lip and looks at it with a smirk.

65. Picard once wore formal Klingon robes for a Klingon ceremony. If Kirk ever wore Klingon robes it would be because he took them off a dead Klingon.

66. Kirk chops his own firewood.

67. Kirk once led a Mafia take over.

68. Kirk would have slept with Beverly Crusher by episode two.

69. In the episode “The Trouble With Tribbles” the tribbles bred at such a fast rate not because of instinct but because they were in the presence of Kirk.

70. When Deanna Troi talks about what she’s feeling, Picard listens carefully and thanks her for her input. Kirk would have called it “pillow talk.”

71. The emotional content level of Kirk’s speeches is an average of 782 times higher than the level of Picard’s speeches. If he’s talking about revolution, exploration or diversity, it is 1,089 times higher.


72. When Picard has an alien delegation on board he invites them to a quiet dinner. When Kirk has an alien delegation on board he gets plowed on Romulan Ale.

73. Kirk is familiar with 20th century slang.

74. The main computer on Kirk’s Enterprise once hit on him.

75. Kirk faced off against Wyatt Earp at the O.K. Corral and won.

76. Picard is a Frenchman with an English accent.

77. Kirk only requires thirty-two minutes of sleep a day.

78. Kirk eats multicolored nutrition squares because he’s too busy fighting stuff to eat a normal meal.

79. Kirk destroyed 672 uniform tunics during the Enterprise’s first five year mission.

80. 347 of those tunics were destroyed during combat with Klingons. The rest were destroyed by various women.

81. When Picard fought the Borg he got assimilated. When Kirk fought the Borg he blew up their home planet.

82. When Kirk was sent to the prison camp on Rura Penthe he hadn’t bathed or changed his clothes in days and was wearing animal carcasses for warmth but Iman still threw herself at him the moment he arrived.

83. When Abraham Lincoln appeared floating in space in front of the Enterprise, Kirk didn’t even blink.

84. Kirk can break out of any jail cell that is located anywhere in time or space within one hour. Within one half hour if Spock is with him.

85. When Kirk disguised himself as a Romulan, he stole a cloaking device and used it to escape to Federation space. When Picard disguised himself as a Romulan he ate some soup and then got captured.

86. Denny Crane.

87. 87% of all Klingon opera is about the singer’s desire to kill Kirk.

88. The other 13% of all Klingon opera is about the singer’s desire to be killed by Kirk in glorious battle.

89. Kirk once taught an emotionless female android how to love. Then he broke up with her.

90. Kirk’s evil twin womanized and swilled brandy. Picard’s evil twin liked to have his scalp massaged by Ron Perlman.

91. Even though they haven’t existed for hundreds of years, Kirk can still sort of drive a stick shift.

92. Kirk never dressed in green tights and pretended to be Robin Hood, and if he had, someone would have paid for it.

93. Even though Kirk often pauses between words, no one ever dares interrupt him.

94. Kirk went to the center of the universe, met god and wasn’t impressed.

95. When Kirk says “boldly go,” he means it.

96. "KHHHAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!!!"

97. Kirk blatantly disobeys one out of every five Starfleet orders just to remind them who’s really minding the store.

98. Starfleet estimates that the average Klingon has a 36% chance of being killed by Kirk at some point in their lifetime, regardless of their age, profession, location or social status.

99. Kirk once kicked a Klingon into the molten core of an exploding planet.

100. Style: Kirk did it first, he did it better and he did it wearing gold velour and Beatle-boots with a space girl on each arm.
Governmental dependance makes for poor self reliance.

"What could possibly go wrong with a duct tape boat?"  Cody Lundin

The best defense against evil men are good men with violent skill sets.
Reply
#9
A blonde is watching the news when she learns that 2 Brazilian men died while trying to illegally enter the U.S... She says "OH NO! That's awful" and begins to sob and cry. Then with a puzzled look asks..."How many is a Brazilian?"
Governmental dependance makes for poor self reliance.

"What could possibly go wrong with a duct tape boat?"  Cody Lundin

The best defense against evil men are good men with violent skill sets.
Reply
#10
[Image: 12143268_1096871787049363_46068602497279...e=56AE279C]
Governmental dependance makes for poor self reliance.

"What could possibly go wrong with a duct tape boat?"  Cody Lundin

The best defense against evil men are good men with violent skill sets.
Reply


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